Well the lights are still glowing in our house.....our decorations don't come down for another week or so. We just love them up, so we wait as long as we can to take them down. :D We had an AMAZING Christmas this year!!!! I can't express into words how connected I felt with my Family this year. It was wonderful and I know the kids enjoyed every minute of it. Even Kaden seemed more into the whole spending time with the Family idea.
One thing we all realized is his complete lack of interest in "toys". I know I should be thrilled....less to buy and less to clean up after. But, a piece of me has always felt sad that he doesn't enjoy things typical 5 year old boys do. Skylar would have Loved all the car tracks, legos and action figures that Kaden has. We were unable to buy them for him when he was young. Maybe that is a part of what makes me feel so sad about it all.
I recently asked myself what it is that I'm really upset about. Why does it bother me????? Simply enough it's just the fact that I feel like I don't know how to get into his world. Skylar and I could play cars or build lego cities for hours. We could color together or play a board game with no melt downs. I could relate to him in many ways. If I felt like we weren't connected I could take him to the park or movie and get right back on track. But, with Kaden I can't do that. He shows little affection or even little acknowledgement to us most days and the messed up thing is I can't even bribe him with toys, outings, candy or anything for that matter.
If none of that "typical" crap is going to work, how the heck am I going to get into his world? He wont let me in and I feel so out of place with him. Mahala and Skylar I have a place, I know where I fit in. I feel so selfish even writing this out and that sucks, but I'm just getting it all off my chest.
So, this Christmas I didn't buy him "typical" toys that I saw in ads and magazines for his age group. Instead I thought about the things that Kaden enjoys and needs sensory wise. I bought strategy type board games, anything that lights up or makes repetitive sounds, science kits, anything glow in the dark or had to do with the planets and stars. I had a different frame of mind this year. I always think back to when I was Mahala's age and the things I liked when I shop for her and it works out, most of the time. But, with Kaden I have to shift my thoughts a bit.
It may seem ridiculous, but several times since Kaden's diagnosis I have went through many times of grieving. I don't know how else to put it. I mean I know I have my children and I'm very thankful and feel blessed. But, just like when I was diagnosed with Lupus, I went through these periods of oh my goodness I will never be able to do this again or feeling the loss of certain abilities I once had. So, I have had these moments several times about Kaden and his Autism.
I'm trying to shift my thought process now and trying to look at all the opened windows that are there for him even if there are doors that are shut now. Every day I realize more and more the challenges ahead for him will work out just fine, I just have to change my way of thinking and expectations. I have to use that window and not let the closed door seem like such a bad thing all the time.
Easier said than done for sure, but just from reading this it sounds very much like your hard work in trying to connect with him has paid off...just like all children are different from each other, so is Kaden and to realize that he doesnt like typical toys and go out of your way to buy him something he would enjoy shows how much you really are doing for your son. Its hard, takes more time, and certainly more effort - but the pay offs are so worth it as Im sure you already know. Keep up the good work :)
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