So, ok I am 100% stressed out, frustrated and feel like a bundle of live wires waiting for someone to pull the cord. DEEP BREATH!!
Nope, still feel the same, DEEEEEEEP BREAAAAATH!!!!!
Nope, still feel the same, so I'm just going to write it all out and hopefully by the end of my ramble I will feel less like an uncontrollable bundle of live wires.
Have you ever dropped an earring or, quarter between your car seat and the thingy you click your seat belt into? You dig and squish your hand as far down as it will go, scraping your knuckles the whole time. You dig and dig, knowing it's right there....you can see the darn thing. As you rub the tip of your finger over whatever it is that you dropped down into the depths of car hell you feel aggravation, frustration and hopelessness all at the same time. You just know you'll pluck it out any minute now.
This is how I feel today, this is how I've been feeling for awhile now. We have been having these huge set backs with Kaden lately. This weekend and yesterday were the worse. We actually had a Clinical Supervisor come out to the house last night after hours. I was so worried he was going to hurt himself. I'm thankful we have such a great team to help us with Kaden.
He is so smart and articulate that he was able to tell us how he feels inside once he has calmed down enough. He said that he feels like flying and his insides are running. That he feels out of control and worthless. That he doesn't deserve life and that his head is all jumbled with thoughts and ideas.
Any suggestions we make to him get shot down with it's a waste of time to do that and it's not worth the effort.
It's like living on a Roller Coaster without a harness. We never know how he will respond to what we say or what will set him off into a stim or melt down. Stimming normally is fine, I can live with it. I actually will encourage him to get out his wiggles when he feels they are hindering him from what he needs to do. But, lately they include violent thrashing into the wall or punching his legs or floor. I sometimes wonder if he can feel pain. Or if he just feels pain differently?
I've also noticed an increase need to count things and group them in order. But, at least when he is doing that he's not melting down. I'm trying to give him more academic possibilities, like word problems and math activities. Having him paint sentences or graph items.
Doing all these things are fine with our whole family, don't get me wrong. It's just the constant screaming, crying, tantrums, compulsions that just wear us THIN. Poor Mahala broke down this afternoon because she said she feels like she is doing all that she can to be the Best Big Sister. She takes the most abuse besides myself. But, it's because she plays with him in and out of therapy and includes him in almost everything. She is the BEST Big Sister!!!! She tried to talk to him today and he listened, but wasn't getting it. It was the dead stare and then the random rambling of some off topic subject that seemed to cause her to cry more and just annoyed Kaden even more. She felt so defeated, but after I talked to her she felt better. I reassured her that everything we do for him is appreciated by him in his own way. And that we can't give up on him or short change ourselves for the hard work we do for him. I'm so proud of my Girl!!!!
I think that's why I'm soooo upset right now, because it's hard to see Mahala so upset and to know Kaden is just trying to get his mind and body to do what he wants it to when he wants it to do it. And there I am in the middle not knowing what to do and who to comfort first.
Tomorrow will be better.....Right?
It took forever, but he finally got the ladybug to crawl up his arm. Every time it would flutter back to the ground he would dive back down and try to get it back on his arm. I love to see him be so gentle. Life is precious and I want him to learn to love and embrace all that God has put on this earth. 
