Bunny and an Imagination!!

What a month!!!  It has been a month crammed with sickness, moving, unpacking, sickness, sessions, adjustments and did I say Sickness????  It's been ridiculous around here.  We are a Family that hand sanitizes like it's a Religion.  We wash before and after we eat, take our vitamins and eat healthy.  What went wrong?  It is what it is, but it definitely was not fun.  And as I finally see the sick curtain start to fall to the floor I'm so excited to be able to enjoy our new house and get it unpacked and ready for the Holidays. 
Yes, I said it.....the Holidays are right around the corner!!!  We are so excited we may even put up our tree a week early.

So, what has Kaden been doing this month?  Well, he has settled himself in his own way.  At first kind of sticking close by, but now he feels familiar with the new house and ventures off all the time.  Our yard is much bigger and he loves digging around and bringing me treasure.  I tried to find my camera the other day because he looked so cute.  He had different colored socks on, a buttoned up shirt with a pair of PJ bottoms.  He had his backpack with two foam bats stuffed in it, with his calculator, an empty water bottle and a hat.  On top of all that he had this huge bunny that you can take naps on strapped over his shoulders.  He was walking all over the yard....he was having a blast, just the Bunny and an Imagination.....that's all he needed that afternoon. :)

Besides going on his little adventures he's been having sessions daily and school 3 days a week.  He's been studying Space still and learning about the weather.  Now, everywhere we go he tells us the different types of clouds we have looming above us. :)  He starts a Chemistry program in November, so I'm gearing up for that.  Please say prayers that he doesn't blow us all up.  He also started Art lessons and has picked up an interest in Poker, God help us.  He plays for hours and hours, between StarCraft and MineCraft.  
I notice his interests change frequently, but when he finds something he likes he dives down deep and soaks it up.  For instance right now we are learning about stained glass windows and the Art of Louis Comfort Tiffany.  He sat for 2 & 1/2 hours listening to a documentary on him and then completed his version of a stained glass window.  I will be posting his finished project on Our Homeschool Blog soon.

With Kaden's constant change in interest he keeps us all on our toes.  I'm thrilled anytime he steps away from the computer and dives into a good book or wants to learn something new.  I've found though it's all about balance.  Too much free time and not enough structure causes just as much of a Meltdown as it does when the schedule is too packed and he feels he's not able to have down time.  Finding that balance is key and hey....we're still working on it!  HAHAHAHAHA

New Autism Video Series with Kaden

Kaden has talked to me several times about wanting to help other understand Autism.  He said that it only takes 1 Kid to reach 1,000's of People and that he wanted to be that 1 Kid.  So, here he is in all his Glory.  The first video is really just a introduction to the camera for him.  But, the second one gets more into how his Autism makes him feel.  Hope everyone follows us on this Video Journey, he has a lot of Great Future Video Ideas!!!

Kindness Makes MY World Go Around!!

Today I meet the Kindest Person in line at the Whole Foods Store.  She made a comment about the 20 containers of Rice and Almond milk that I had TOWERING in my cart. :)  I explained Our new diet changes and she asked how it was going.  And then she asked the reason for the switch.  I have to tell you after last weeks Episode of negativity from my fellow Sams Club shoppers I was a bit hesitant.  But, I was welcomed with a caring stream of questions and she even passed on some much needed encouragement and even a Kudos tucked in here and there.  I normally don't need my back stroked with indulgent Praise.  But, after last week a little Love and Acceptance goes a long way.  Here is My FB Post from the other day about what I'm talking about.  

 But, the other day we were at a store. One of the employees was coming into the store with about 20 carts. He was going over the bumpy surface that they had in front of the store. It was loud and annoying for me, for Kaden it was 10x worse. He covered his ears, dropped to the ground, started kicking and screaming to stop. I tried to pick him up and then I decided to let him work through it. Everyone was staring and shaking their heads. I felt bad for Kaden, because he's a great kid and I hated thinking that other people were sending out that negative vibe that he was anything other then the amazzzzing kid I know he is. Then this young guy walked by and said to his girlfriend or wife loud enough for me to hear that that right there is why he will not be having any kids. And older woman came to me and said back when you were a kid I bet you didn't get away with what he's doing, I know I wouldn't have let any of mine behave like this. I have 5 kids and 14 grand-kids. So, I stood there and waited fighting back tears until Kaden was able to get up and all he could say to me was van please. I don't have many interactions like this, but when I do Man do they effect me!!!


Have a Blessed Day!!!!

Mater on Mars

We had a blast last week, Kaden, Skylar and I went on a mission to Mars.  Mahala had to practice for softball and there is an area out by the ball field that has reddish colored dirt.  And since he gets so board and no matter how hard we try to entertain him he always runs out onto the field and I just know he is going to get popped in the head with a ball.  :)
So we decided to go on a little adventure to gather rocks and to examine the land.  He said it was an expedition, I call it almost 2 hours in the sun with very little water.  But, what can I say, it was fun and anything I can do to put a smile on his face makes me happy.

It started out slow, he was a bit overwhelmed with the wind, so he kept spinning and flapping his arms around.  Most of the time I just let him go, I know he needs this to feel centered and calm.  But, that day I did say a few hundred times to be careful. :)

On our little exploration we talked about Mars and the similarities and differences between Mars, Mercury and Earth.  He loves to debate, so no matter what I shared he had something to say about it or correct.  Just another conversation with my sweet Kaden.  :)  I love how his mind works.  He is filled with so much information that sometimes he can't even express it without getting frustrated just searching for the right way to word it perfectly as it is in his own mind. And then on the other hand he is still so innocent and childish.

By the time we made it back to the car Skylar & I had our hands full.   Kaden had full pockets and a shirt full.  Afterwards he ran to catch up with Dad and Mahala to throw a few balls.  He wants to be a pitcher.  I think one day he just might, but today he's my little Rock collector/Explorer!!!

The New Blank Free Diet

Well, I think there is going to be a change around here....a BIG change!  I think it's time to take a look at Kaden's diet, our whole diet really.  Of course I have heard about all the Miracle GF, CF, SF and all they other fill in the Blank Free Diets out there.  And I always thought well I guess that works for you, but obviously that's not going to be our Gig.  As a matter of fact I think I have read probably 20-30 blog posts and articles that all started just like this one right here that I'm writing now that you are reading.  And after the 1st paragraph or so they hit you with their Revelation of the Blank Free Diet that has now changed their life. 

Now look at me, I feel like a broke down mule.  Because guess what........I have a story to tell.....a darn Revelation.  :)  I have nothing else to try, I have flipped over a lot of stones.  Now I'm flipping the Diet Stone.  

 I always go against the rules, I have my whole life.  You say pink I say light fushia.  You say rewind before returning I grin as I slip it into the drop box knowing I stopped it at the beginning of the credits.  Okay, maybe I haven't done that since I was like 20, but still.  :p  Point is I fight the current and in my life that has always benefited me.  It's what kept me strong and alive, but when it comes to my kiddos sometimes you have to break down and try things you necessarily wouldn't normally try.  

I stand firm when my Mother's instinct rears it's head.  But, with Kaden and his journey with Autism I have floated by on a raft made of dried up leaves laced together with hopes and fears.  I don't always hear the instinct in my head, I second guess myself....way too much.  

We have seen an increase in his aggression and a decrease in language off and on during the day.  He will revert to only making sounds probably 1/3 of the time he is awake.  Our whole family is involved in his ABA and social skills class, so the next logical step to me is diet change.  The Big reason I decided to give this a chance was because we figured the only real difference in his diet lately has been Crystal Light the past few weeks.  We are a water and milk family, sometimes iced tea.  So, I'm thinking it might be the artificial sweetener & dye.  

I have to admit it's overwhelming looking around online!!!!  I flipped out just with the amount of products available and weeding out all the crazzzzzies.  Sorry, if you are one of the Crazzzzzies, I'm legally Crazy, but not Crazy into this Blank Free Diet Stuff......YET!

I'm calling Kaden's the Blank Free Diet.  I'm going to 100% cut out the Gluten & Dyes.  I'm also thinking of less Casein, so I have him on rice milk & cheese.  He hates the cheese, so since it's one of his favorite foods I may need to find a better alternative or just pray less Casein is better then no Casein.  :)  I figured we would slowly make the change, but really it has been pretty easy.  I say that right now of course after just a few meals.  I worry about variety & flavor!

So far we are on Day 2 of our Diet Adventure!!!  Fingers crossed we will start to see results in a few weeks or so.  If you have any favorite recipes or websites feel free to leave them in the comments.

Don't Judge Our Side of the Spectrum

This post is hard to write.  I love my Sweet Kaden, anyone who knows us or follows us on our journey knows how much he means to me.  But, sometimes the pressure of having a Child on the High Functioning end of the Spectrum can be so hard to deal with.  I feel so much pressure for him to get well or to snap out of it, yes I have heard those exact words spoken to me.  And I also feel guilt for my Son being HFA.  This side of the Spectrum can be so lonely.

 I know he taught himself to read at 2 and he can figure out simple equations in his head , but he is still developmentally behind by 2 years.  He has so many obstacles to climb over every single day.  And you know what, most of the time it takes the whole family to get him over them.  

 

His fears, obsessions, sensory processing dysfunctions, developmental delay and lack of social ability stops him in his tracks all day long.  And even though we are blessed at how verbal he is that doesn't make the meltdowns any better, because he is either shouting hurtful, negative things, screaming, making odd sounds and humming. 
 The other day at the park after his therapy he was playing having a good time.  What does he do that's fun?  Rolling around in the bark, and the slide.  Up and down, up and down, he loves the slide. :)  


  After almost an hour of dodging other kids, because remember he will not socialize and if he does it is usually awkward enough that the other kiddo has no interest.  Sometimes we have real good days where we find a child that he mixes well with.  I love that!!!  
So, it was time to go, I needed to get dinner started.  And then it began.  Now, please I don't need anyone to comment about discipline, because this is not a tantrum.  He was upset and repeated over and over that he was never coming back here.  He couldn't leave, because we were never coming back.  I tried to calm him down and reassure him that we would be....it's 1 block from our house. :)  Nothing was working, he was rocking back and forth, screaming, hitting and took his shoes off and managed to hit Skylar in the face with the shoes.  Honestly it sounded and probably looked like we were kidnapping him.  I was terrified, it is so scary whether it is your 1st or millionth meltdown to go through.  

He was throwing himself on the ground, hitting his head and trying to hide from us.  At this moment I know he is thinking of running, not safety.  A fairly busy street was about 15-20 yards away.  Only bushes between him and the street.  So, keeping him calm enough to not run that direction is the only thing on our minds at that moment.  This is why I never like to go alone with him anywhere.  Unfortunately, he was off and running in a minute and Mahala basically leaped off the top of the play structure and tackled him down by grabbing his legs.  Thank the Lord that she didn't break her legs.  I'm also thankful that both my older kids would not hesitate one minute when it comes to Kaden and his safety.  
 

 The two oldest carried him to the car, allowing everyone to see the show.  I shutter to think what was going through their minds as I pull up to the curb with my van and we stuffed him in as he's screaming he will never be back.  I was fighting the tears because I needed to remain in some kind of control.  

I had to go to the drug store to get something for Skylar's eye and Kaden reached for the door to jump out.  Screaming how he wanted to die then to be with us.  The hurtful things that stab you in the heart are the worst.  But, deep down I know he is the one in the most pain. 
When we finally made it home he was wild flinging his body, he refused to get out of the car, so we took turns staying with him.  Then all of a sudden like someone flipped a switch he started crying out in pain.  He had cuts all over his hands and legs.  I'm assuming from the bark, even his pants had holes from dragging his knees on the play structure.  He was Kaden again, not meltdown Kaden.  He apologized and didn't even remember why he was so upset and when we reminded him about how he was worried about never going to the park again.  He thought that was silly.  And he sat down and explained to me how his brain worked differently then ours.  It almost feels like we live in a Prison and when meltdowns occur, especially outside the home we are on High Alert, sirens, flashing Lights and all.  But afterwards it feels like we just return to normal, doing whatever we were doing or want to do.  The lights and sirens can all be turned off for now.
I will share his talk with me about how Autism lives inside his brain tomorrow, because his ABA session is ending now.  Pray for Our Sweet Kaden!!! :)

The Happy Scientist

Kaden went to a Birthday Party last week.  It was his first Birthday Party ever to go to, so it was exciting for all of us.  The Birthday Person was having a "Mad Scientist" Party", complete with a "Mad Scientist"!!  Kaden was a definite No from the moment he found out.  He handed the invitation back to the kiddo and said no thanks.  Thankfully the Birthday Kiddo is in Kaden's social skills class so the Mom didn't give much thought about Kaden's refusal.

Cool thing about the party was the fact that they were having it at the center.  YAY!!!  That meant there would be helpers to get all the kiddos through the party.
On the day of the party Kaden still didn't want to go.  Everyone had explained to him that "Mad" didn't mean that he was angry and wanted to hurt him.  We ended up being 30 minuted late, because we literally had to drag him into the van and across the parking lot once we got there.

When we opened the door the lights were out and the "Mad Scientist" had flames coming from one hand and the smell of burnt hair filled the room.  This was not a good 1st impression.  Zooooooom, there went Kaden!!!!  Thankfully the staff was ready and he was safe, just scared.   Kaden kept asking why they can't be called the Happy Scientist.  That he would like that more. :)

After a nice, comforting conversation and the help of a Staff sidekick we got him in the room to enjoy the last half hour or so.  He was able to answer a few questions correctly about electricity and lightning.  And then he saw how fireworks were made and at the end he was able to make glow in the dark slime.

The important thing was he was smiling by the end of the party.  I was proud of him for trying so hard.  I know some people might think, come on it's a party for gosh sakes.  He is 6 years old, cut the cord!!!  But, the difference is the look of fear in his eyes is real, imagine being sent to a huge volcano to plunge into or being trapped in a burning building.  It is a true fear for him to be in social situations.  The noisy, smells, activity, even just the thoughts of a social environment becomes so overwhelming.  It will take time, but he is one step closer. 




I remember when he was almost 5 and we went to this amazing event at a local church.  They had turned it into Bethlehem.  Kaden was so overwhelmed by the music, amount of people and all the different pictures and scenery that he had a full on breakdown.  It was tragic the way he was shaking and rocked his head back and forth while screaming so loud with his hands over his ears.  It was like he was on fire, he looked terrified.  When he wasn't screaming he was calling out numbers and hitting himself.  It took all we had to get out as fast as possible.  This was before we knew a diagnosis.  This was when people said, he's just a boy, he'll grow out of it.  He looks normal to me!!!!  Well, after all we have been through as a Family....I agree!!  He is normal, maybe not "Your Normal".  Or what the World thinks is "Normal".  But I wouldn't change this little guy for all the money in the World!!!!

Adventure-Search & Rescue with Kaden

Sensory is heightened for Kaden always.  Every day is a new smell, sound or texture that he either seeks out or runs away from like it's the end of the world.  To him, it is the end of the world in his mind.  So, when he is crazy overloaded I sometimes try to over stimulate him sensory wise. 

For example on this particular day it was non stop with the hitting and negative self talk.  He was not responding with words, only grunts and pointing.  Wouldn't show eye contact and very withdrawn.  I decided to have Mahala do a math exercise with him and then we went outside to toss the football.  Not a good idea on the football tossing.  It ended up being a smaller version of WWII. 

So, I decided to take the pan we used to make our chicken farm for Easter and turn it into a Search and Rescue Dig".   We just finished our dino unit study, so he understood the whole excavation process.

The pan is filled with steel cut oatmeal and I put in anything & everything that I could find that could be buried.  And then we asked him to find things with wheels, things blue or round.  You get the picture......

It was a ton of fun and even though it only held his attention for about 10 minutes it was worth it.  Running his hands through the oatmeal and seeing the different objects settled him down and helped him refocus long enough to get dinner done ad then we started our night time routine.

To us, it is important to always have an activity or two like this up our sleeves so we can pull it out when all else fails.  The idea is to help Kaden have successful days and to feel positive about himself. 

Every day is an Adventure!!

Before we Knew What Autism Was

A Blast from the Past.....My 1st Post ever about Kaden before we knew he had Autism.  I was struggling and saw NO end in sight!  Wow, what a difference a year and a half makes!!!!

It has been so long I feel drained just looking at the date of my "real" last entry.  I have missed being here so much it hurts.  It's like coming home after a long vacation.  The smell of piled up laundry on top of a mile long to do list, mixed with the remembrance of sandy beaches and an umbrella drink I can't even remember the name of.
Well, life has been many things for me lately and none of it came with a little umbrella.  But, I'm here now and I have so much to share.  I feel like a tea kettle that's been boiling for a few hours....days. 
Let me start with  complaining first.  It's always good to clear the air and let it all out.   My love bug Kaden is about to turn 5.  And we have had struggles with him for a long time.  I just pushed through and parented the best I could.  I never said a word about his behavior, just kept loving him.  And after a season of watching the show Parenthood I secretly thought to myself I wonder if Kaden has Aspergers.  This new season started and Kaden became more Kaden and I knew I needed to say something.  I talked with friends first and they all gave me the line, "he's 4 years old".  Yeah, a 4 year old that has been reading since he was 2, has an obsession with numbers and self taught himself multiplication by the time he was 4. Not to mention the amazing vocabulary and need for organization that he can not even enjoy himself.    The violent rages bring the whole family to tears, loud noises bring him to tears.  The constant counting and lack of expression from him has worn me thin.  No one sees this because I keep it to myself, I've never shared it even here in blogland.  Everyone thinks I'm lucky because he's so smart and advanced.  But, with that is a great responsibility that makes our family exhausted. 
My hardest part of the day is keeping him from getting so angry or upset that he hurts himself.  And keeping his brain challenged.  He reads 2nd and 3rd grade books and wants to learn division.  But, the problem is his maturity level.  Just because he can explain to me what enursha is and his favorite number is infinity, he is only 4 years old.
Back to the point, I talked with Thanh and he thought I was crazy, that he was just smart and a typical boy. So, I decided to take it up with the pediatrician.  He told me I should have told him a long time ago, not to question my judgment.  So, tomorrow we are going to a specialist.  My friends still think I'm crazy, but I have Thanh on board with me after spending 2 weeks at home over the Holidays.  He got to see first hand what it was like homeschooling 3 kids with our Sweet Kaden. 
I love him so much, I just want to give him the best start in life.  I need to learn how to discipline him without causing him to downward spiral. I want to know how to teach him how to thrive in life with this small speed bump.
I have been searching online for helpful websites.  And what has got me aggravated is how many sites took you to books to buy or websites you have to pay for for support and advice or discussion boards.  I was disappointed, because I'm desperate for help and in need of answers. 
Tomorrow I will have a new start, a new start for Kaden.  It's been a long, lonely road and I have a feeling it will still be long in our future, but not so lonely.

Out of Control Roller Coaster

So, ok I am 100% stressed out, frustrated and feel like a bundle of live wires waiting for someone to pull the cord.  DEEP BREATH!!
Nope, still feel the same, DEEEEEEEP BREAAAAATH!!!!!
Nope, still feel the same, so I'm just going to write it all out and hopefully by the end of my ramble I will feel less like an uncontrollable bundle of live wires. 

Have you ever dropped an earring or, quarter between your car seat and the thingy you click your seat belt into?  You dig and squish your hand as far down as it will go, scraping your knuckles the whole time.  You dig and dig, knowing it's right there....you can see the darn thing.  As you rub the tip of your finger over whatever it is that you dropped down into the depths of car hell you feel aggravation, frustration and hopelessness all at the same time.  You just know you'll pluck it out any minute now. 

This is how I feel today, this is how I've been feeling for awhile now.  We have been having these huge set backs with Kaden lately.  This weekend and yesterday were the worse.  We actually had a Clinical Supervisor come out to the house last night after hours.  I was so worried he was going to hurt himself.  I'm thankful we have such a great team to help us with Kaden.
He is so smart and articulate that he was able to tell us how he feels inside once he has calmed down enough.  He said that he feels like flying and his insides are running.  That he feels out of control and worthless.  That he doesn't deserve life and that his head is all jumbled with thoughts and ideas.

Any suggestions we make to him get shot down with it's a waste of time to do that and it's not worth the effort. 
It's like living on a Roller Coaster without a harness.  We never know how he will respond to what we say or what will set him off into a stim or melt down.  Stimming normally is fine, I can live with it.  I actually will encourage him to get out his wiggles when he feels they are hindering him from what he needs to do.  But, lately they include violent thrashing into the wall or punching his legs or floor.  I sometimes wonder if he can feel pain.  Or if he just feels pain differently? 
I've also noticed an increase need to count things and group them in order.  But, at least when he is doing that he's not melting down.  I'm trying to give him more academic possibilities, like word problems and math activities.  Having him paint sentences or graph items. 

Doing all these things are fine with our whole family, don't get me wrong.  It's just the constant screaming, crying, tantrums, compulsions that just wear us THIN.  Poor Mahala broke down this afternoon because she said she feels like she is doing all that she can to be the Best Big Sister.  She takes the most abuse besides myself.  But, it's because she plays with him in and out of therapy and includes him in almost everything.  She is the BEST Big Sister!!!!  She tried to talk to him today and he listened, but wasn't getting it.  It was the dead stare and then the random rambling of some off topic subject that seemed to cause her to cry more and just annoyed Kaden even more.  She felt so defeated, but after I talked to her she felt better.  I reassured her that everything we do for him is appreciated by him in his own way.  And that we can't give up on him or short change ourselves for the hard work we do for him.  I'm so proud of my Girl!!!! 

I think that's why I'm soooo upset right now, because it's hard to see Mahala so upset and to know Kaden is just trying to get his mind and body to do what he wants it to when he wants it to do it.  And there I am in the middle not knowing what to do and who to comfort first.
Tomorrow will be better.....Right?

Note to You from Me with Love!!!!

So, I have meet some pretty amazing people on FB, my blog and on myAutisumteam.com over the past few months. In the early morning hours last night when I was at my wits end with tooth picks in my eyes trying to get Kaden to relax and let go to dream land, I wanted to cry and just give up. But, for the first time I laid there and prayed for all the other Moms and Dads out there. I prayed they were having restful sleeps and I knew that there was probably at least one of you awake doing the same for me. I felt more peacful in that moment and I took the tooth picks out of my eyes and covered Kaden tightly and listened to the sound of him rubbing the nylon seams on that Ikea leaf and humming his little heart out. I do need this support....thank you all.....(((hugs)))
 http://www.facebook.com/KadensAspergerWorld

Triple D's of Autism

There was no Silence yesterday!  Oh my goodness.....if you were a fly on my wall yesterday you would have begged for a fly zapper.
Kaden had such a wonderful time at his social club and both ABA sessions ran smoothly.  All was well in the Manic house.  On the way home I had told Kaden he could play star craft, but when we got there Skylar was on the computer talking with a friend on skype.   He told Kaden he would be off soon, well Kaden was upset and wanted to rub on Skylar's face and smell him.  Which is what he does all the time.  He uses his sense of touching people's face and arms and smelling to calm himself or when new things happen unexpectedly.  Skylar was not feeling it, because he was on Skype with a friend and yeah it might not be the coolest thing in the world to have your 5 yr old brother rubbing your face and sniffing your hair.  He sent him downstairs screaming his head off about how we have ruined his life, he hates himself and wish he was not alive.  On a side note I really don't think he was upset over the video game it was the chin rubbing and smelling.  And I think not knowing how to transition his emotions and feelings about what was going on. 
I couldn't speak any sense into him he was not calming down so I thought I would change the subject a little so I showed him his plate of dinner I had made for him on the table.  I had given him two choices earlier, spaghetti or turkey sandwich and chips.  He said that he wanted noodles and chips.
When he looked over at the food he became even more angry and started screaming he didn't want sauce.  I forget how literal he is, he said noodles and that's what he wanted....just the darn noodles.  I think spaghetti.....because I gave him that as a choice.  Life with a child on the spectrum is anything but dull.
So then he begins breaking everything in sight......very important things I might add.  And then he stops and realizes what he just did and starts overly explaining how this should have been made with metal and that should have not been put together so poorly.  I gave him my stunned on my gosh look and then he storms upstairs after I tell him that this behavior is not acceptable and that he has lost his privilege to play any kind of video game the rest of the night and the next day.  For the next 2 hours he screams and thrashes around in his room.  His sister goes up and tries to redirect his attention.  It finally works and then it's bed time and I'm dreading it.
He acts like nothing has happened at all, he goes and showers quickly and gets his night clothes on.  He gets on the bed and rolls himself up into a burrito and puts the pillows over his head.  Lights out for him and I just stood there like well helloooooooo.  I'm over here....your Mom....remember her????
He was asleep in 5 minutes and I was left feeling Deflated, Defeated and Distressed.
Today is a new day, he woke up and acted like nothing ever happened.  When he asked to play video games I reminded him that he couldn't and his reply was," oh yeah, I forgot that....ok".  It's like he pressed a reset button.  Today is a normal Kaden day just like yesterday started out to be.  I pray it doesn't end like yesterday though.

Kaden's Loud Life of Silence

Playing a game on the tablet

I ask myself all the time if Kaden feels lonely, but just doesn't know how to describe it to us.  In my mind I wouldn't want to spend hours of solitude up in my room while the rest of my family is downstairs having dinner, watching a movie or just hanging out.
It's not uncommon to find him in his room playing monopoly by himself or reading a book under the table or in a corner.  (We are working on that by the way in ABA therapy)
There are many faces of Autism, it's not a one size fits all kind of deal.  Kind of like autoimmune diseases, which I have one....evilly called Lupus.  Kaden's brain is wired so that noises and certain smells or touches can cause him to be frightened even hurt him.  He also processes sensory different in a way that he is constantly rubbing his hair or blankets, people sometimes.  He constantly smells people or objects when something changes, like our plans, a show ends or didn't record right.  Maybe he didn't understand something or is confused at what is being asked of him.  If he gets overly upset then he can have a hard time with repetitive behaviors, screaming, hitting and just not being able to move forward.  Meltdowns can be atomic with Kaden if they last too long.  So, our job as the family goes is to put the fire out as soon as a spark is seen.  ;)
Socially he doesn't want to be around people, doesn't want to go new places or try new things at all.  That even includes his family sometimes.  Making friends or just communicating can be hard, because he talks off topic, makes little eye contact and prefers to only talk about things he is interested in.  And usually that's not what they want to talk about.  If a friend does seem to break into his friendship circle with himself they get turned off by the lack of personal space Kaden allows and I haven't meet a kid yet that likes to be sniffed and have their hair all messed up by Kaden's little hands.  HAHAHAHA

Playing Legos

Part of his communication gap is his lack of being relaxed and going with the flow.  He takes everything literal and has no problem correcting you if he thinks your wrong.  :)  Adults love this, especially if they really are wrong.  He's very ridged and has his own schedule that can't be broken.
He's not coordinated and runs or falls everywhere and on everything.  I worry when we go out because he flutters like a butterfly.  I worry I will lose him, because he goes here, tumbles there, jumps onto that, scoots there.....you get the picture.
Now on a good note, there are many Autism aspects of Kaden that cause him to be brilliant.  He started reading when he was 2yrs old.  I taught him letters, but he taught himself to read.  He started organizing objects and grouping things together as soon as he could sit up on his own.  He hasn't stopped since.  He had a broad vocabulary at a young age, he hates phonics but loves to learn new words.  He started adding and subtracting at 3yrs old.  He begged to learn more, so when he was almost 5yrs old I showed him multiplication.  He is 5yrs old now and can multiply, divide, complete 4 to 5 step equations..  He wants to learn fractions and decimals now and I'm trying to hold him off, because he is so young.

Organizing the Blokus pieces

So, academically he is above his typical peers.  But, in many ways he is not your average, typical boy.  I hear his silence, if that makes any sense at all.  I feel bad for him, because he is so precious and even though he is verbal he chooses to be silent.  He chooses solitude over time with family or friends.  I guess today was just an emotional day for me.  Even though we were very busy today around the house he was nowhere to be found.  or quietly sitting on the couch counting beads.  I've asked for hugs even tried to bribe with chocolate chip cookies.  All I got was a smile.  But, I am thankful for that smile.  I love that smile!!!!!  I hope he wears that smile for a long time.  And his family will be right there beside him with a Big HUG whenever he wants one!!

Back off My Front Porch with Your Expectations

 Kaden is obsessed with his tablet. He plays chess, word games, mahjong, school work.  You name it, it's there.  It beats bringing a huge entertainment bag I did when my other two were younger.  It was filled with, books, crayons, paper, small tos, cards, stuff like that.  Times have changed....

 He was in a mood the other day and wouldn't get out of his night clothes.  He hardly ever wants to go somewhere and that day I had sooooooo much running around to do.  And needed Skylar's help.  I won't leave Kaden and Mahala home alone yet.  So, we all had to go, which means I had to pick my battles.   After much debating he came with us but he stayed in his "Home Clothes". :)

Which brings me to how I'm feeling toay.  The past few months I have been trying to shift my expectations.  I had to, No more am I going to feel guilty for not doing enough.  Or worry if this decision is right or wrong.  Could I have handled this situation better.  I have a child with a developmental disorder, he needs me.  I need me, my family needs me.  So, back up off my front porch and let me focus on what's important.  Not only do I get judged as a parent with a child who has ASD, but, I judge myself.  I am not going to be my worst enemy anymore.
My house doesn't have to look like it was ripped from the pages of a magazine.  And my days will never be planned out and put into a planner arranged by the hour.  I will always have gray hair sprouting and need to lose more weight then not.  Ok, maybe that's a little exaggerated)  But, one place that I will never cut corners or relax in is taking care of my children.  I will always love them and be there for them. And if from the outside you think it looks crazy or unorganized...you are more then likely right.  I'm just trying to focus on the important things to me, and to me that is the people in my house, not the house itself.

Asperger Sparks

Sparks flew today for my little Kaden.  The day started good, nothing to out of the ordinary.  I took them all swimming, which I had promised.  And even though he was reluctant to leave when we had to go get ready for some errands, he still left without much fuss.
After lunch and 2 errands he wanted to play on my phone.  I knew it was about to go down, because he was humming and throwing himself around in the waiting room.  The phone went dead, I couldn't believe it!!!  So, it was on like donkey kong!!!  He was hitting himself, making loud grunts and rocking back and forth.  In comes the Doctor for Skylar.  GREAT TIMING!!!! 
After we were done and onto Sams I tried calming him down.  He seemed to feel a little better, i think the walking and change of location.  While I was in Sams club Mahala said he was hitting and screaming for no apparent reason.  I know there is a reason, it's just in the midst of it all it can be so frustrating.  Mahala has a hard time dealing with him when he erupts around her.  Thank goodness we ran in to get milk and bread only. 
For the following 2 hours he just hummed and wouldn't talk.  And as soon as we got home it was like a NEW boy had come home with me.  He started doing his workbooks and being all loving.  After 30 minutes or so he needed to be loved he said.  Which in Kaden's world that means he needs to be rolled in a blanket tightly or squeezed in my arms.  So, I did and then when he had enough he started playing until we watched a movie and ate dinner.
So, will putting him to bed be easy tonight?  We will have to see in about 20 minutes.  From past experiences I would say that there is a good chance he will need to be wrapped again and then he will relax and go to sleep.  But, there is still a chance he will fight sleep.  Let's pray for sleep people!!!

Asperger Melt down

Today while we were at Mahala's practice Kaden had the Biggest melt down ever. He didn't want to put his shoes on when we were leaving the house, because he didn't want to cover his toes.  The whole way there he was fine, no problems at all.  But, when we got to practice and he saw the playground he got angry because he didn't have his shoes.  He screamed, hit the windows, rocked back and forth for the whole time.  I tried to use calming words and then I just let it run it's course.  As soon as Mahala and Skylar got back to the car and I started to back away he went silent and started playing with his toys. His punishment is to not have video games tomorrow.  And normally he is fine with punishment ad will not complain or try to get out of it.  It's hard sometime to tell what is asperger frustration and what is misbehavior because he is a 5 year old boy. So, I'm guessing tomorrow we will have a lot of chess and math going on around here.  :-)