Don't Judge Our Side of the Spectrum

This post is hard to write.  I love my Sweet Kaden, anyone who knows us or follows us on our journey knows how much he means to me.  But, sometimes the pressure of having a Child on the High Functioning end of the Spectrum can be so hard to deal with.  I feel so much pressure for him to get well or to snap out of it, yes I have heard those exact words spoken to me.  And I also feel guilt for my Son being HFA.  This side of the Spectrum can be so lonely.

 I know he taught himself to read at 2 and he can figure out simple equations in his head , but he is still developmentally behind by 2 years.  He has so many obstacles to climb over every single day.  And you know what, most of the time it takes the whole family to get him over them.  

 

His fears, obsessions, sensory processing dysfunctions, developmental delay and lack of social ability stops him in his tracks all day long.  And even though we are blessed at how verbal he is that doesn't make the meltdowns any better, because he is either shouting hurtful, negative things, screaming, making odd sounds and humming. 
 The other day at the park after his therapy he was playing having a good time.  What does he do that's fun?  Rolling around in the bark, and the slide.  Up and down, up and down, he loves the slide. :)  


  After almost an hour of dodging other kids, because remember he will not socialize and if he does it is usually awkward enough that the other kiddo has no interest.  Sometimes we have real good days where we find a child that he mixes well with.  I love that!!!  
So, it was time to go, I needed to get dinner started.  And then it began.  Now, please I don't need anyone to comment about discipline, because this is not a tantrum.  He was upset and repeated over and over that he was never coming back here.  He couldn't leave, because we were never coming back.  I tried to calm him down and reassure him that we would be....it's 1 block from our house. :)  Nothing was working, he was rocking back and forth, screaming, hitting and took his shoes off and managed to hit Skylar in the face with the shoes.  Honestly it sounded and probably looked like we were kidnapping him.  I was terrified, it is so scary whether it is your 1st or millionth meltdown to go through.  

He was throwing himself on the ground, hitting his head and trying to hide from us.  At this moment I know he is thinking of running, not safety.  A fairly busy street was about 15-20 yards away.  Only bushes between him and the street.  So, keeping him calm enough to not run that direction is the only thing on our minds at that moment.  This is why I never like to go alone with him anywhere.  Unfortunately, he was off and running in a minute and Mahala basically leaped off the top of the play structure and tackled him down by grabbing his legs.  Thank the Lord that she didn't break her legs.  I'm also thankful that both my older kids would not hesitate one minute when it comes to Kaden and his safety.  
 

 The two oldest carried him to the car, allowing everyone to see the show.  I shutter to think what was going through their minds as I pull up to the curb with my van and we stuffed him in as he's screaming he will never be back.  I was fighting the tears because I needed to remain in some kind of control.  

I had to go to the drug store to get something for Skylar's eye and Kaden reached for the door to jump out.  Screaming how he wanted to die then to be with us.  The hurtful things that stab you in the heart are the worst.  But, deep down I know he is the one in the most pain. 
When we finally made it home he was wild flinging his body, he refused to get out of the car, so we took turns staying with him.  Then all of a sudden like someone flipped a switch he started crying out in pain.  He had cuts all over his hands and legs.  I'm assuming from the bark, even his pants had holes from dragging his knees on the play structure.  He was Kaden again, not meltdown Kaden.  He apologized and didn't even remember why he was so upset and when we reminded him about how he was worried about never going to the park again.  He thought that was silly.  And he sat down and explained to me how his brain worked differently then ours.  It almost feels like we live in a Prison and when meltdowns occur, especially outside the home we are on High Alert, sirens, flashing Lights and all.  But afterwards it feels like we just return to normal, doing whatever we were doing or want to do.  The lights and sirens can all be turned off for now.
I will share his talk with me about how Autism lives inside his brain tomorrow, because his ABA session is ending now.  Pray for Our Sweet Kaden!!! :)